College and Diabetes

TRIGGER WARNING- This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about suicide which may be upsetting to some people.

I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes when I was 20 years old, I had just finished my sophomore year in college (I was attending UCSC – University of California Santa Cruz) and was home for the summer.

That summer, I spent my days eating veggies, chicken, beef and fish as that was what I was allowed to eat. It was pretty easy to do since my mom was watching me like a hawk and keeping me accountable to my new diet.

September rolled around and it was time for me to go back to college. I remember feeling nervous and scared because no one knew that I had been diagnosed with a chronic illness besides my immediate family (my sister and my parents).

The diagnosis itself felt like a dark secret, a secret that no one should know about, a dark secret that was best kept hidden. So I did just that. I went to college and pretended that I wasn’t just diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I spent the last two years of college pretending that I was “normal,” pretending that I wasn’t sick, pretending that I wasn’t diagnosed with anything. I ate and drank whatever I wanted. I wanted a “normal” college experience and didn’t want anything to rob me of that.

Towards the end of my junior year in college, I was struggling. I felt tired all the time, I felt constant sadness, I was having a hard time concentrating in class and felt like I needed to study more than usual. I was then advised to seek counseling and since I was studying to get my BA in psychology, I felt like I owed it to myself to do it.

I started talking with a therapist and she diagnosed me with depression. Her and I talked about EVERYTHING except……diabetes. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it because I felt that if I said it out loud, it would become real, too real. Because I was ignoring a very important part of myself, my depression didn’t improve, it got worse.

I started to think that my life wasn’t worth living anymore. I thought that ending it all was better than living with a chronic illness. I felt like I was damaged goods and no one would love me enough to marry me. I felt like I wasn’t enough. I felt isolated and alone and like no one understood what I was going through. As my suicidal thoughts increased, I started to think about how I could do it. I would find myself searching the internet but then I would start thinking about my family and that would stop my search. The cycle kept going until my junior year of college had ended and I went back home for the summer. I had one last session with my therapist before leaving and still didn’t tell her I was experiencing suicidal thoughts.

The summer before my last year in college, our family spent time with some family friends. These family friends had daughters so my sister and I hung out with them. I had known these girls since I was in middle school and even though we didn’t spend too much time together, the time we did share always felt fun and like a little escape.

No one knew I was experiencing suicidal thoughts nor that I had been seeing a therapist for depression so I had to put on my mask and pretend that I was okay.

Spending time with those girls saved my life.

I remember one of them telling me that they admired me for going to college and how cool it was that I was only 1 year away from graduating. Another one told me that they looked up to me and wanted to follow me in my footsteps. I was honestly stunned hearing their words and admiration for me because I didn’t see myself the way they saw me. These small yet powerful comments stayed with me and were engrained into my brain and heart. Knowing that they were looking up to me, I felt like I needed to show them it was possible. I felt like I couldn’t let them down. Spending time with those girls saved my life. I started to think about the positives in my life, thinking about what/who I was grateful for, thinking of how much my family loved me, thinking about the support I could provide to others who were hurting, thinking about my future.

I went back to college, reached out to my therapist and told her I had been experiencing suicidal thoughts. I worked with her throughout my last year of college and with time, my suicidal thoughts subsided. I briefly opened up about my diabetes diagnosis but downplayed the toll it had taken on me and that was left like that. My depression improved and my therapist terminated therapy with me as I was going to be moving back home after college.

I graduated from college and earned my Bachelor of Arts (BA) in psychology. I had survived. I had graduated. I felt immensely proud of myself and I was ready to move forward.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health, suicide or substance use crisis or emotional distress, reach out 24/7 to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) by dialing or texting 988 or using chat services at suicidepreventionlifeline.org to connect to a trained crisis counselor. You can also get crisis text support via the Crisis Text Line by texting NAMI to 741741.